The Ransom of Red Tail
by Mom the Manga Fan
Summary: One-shot. A blatant rip-off of an old classic for the Inuyasha fan-crowd. I think ya'll will like it.


The Ransom of Red Tail

_Over. _It was _over_! Finally, they had the entire Shikon no tama in their possession and Naraku was safely situated in hell where he belonged. Kagome wiped tears from her eyes as she reflected on the unexpected turn of events.

_What transpired._...

It happened one night, as the gang was camping out by a river. Miroku and Sango had slipped off into the woods, as had been their habit lately, leaving Inuyasha and Kagome to watch Shippo and stoke the campfire. Kagome sat on her sleeping bag, rubbing Shippo's back as he slept. Inuyasha came and sat close to Kagome. "There's something I've been wanting to talk to you about," he whispered hesitantly as he took Kagome's small hand in his.

"You...what is it?" she whispered back.

"Maybe I'm not so good with words," he fumbled, leaning in close.

_He's going to kiss me._ Kagome's heart thumped in her chest as she closed her eyes.

"HEY, you guys, whatcha doin' ?" Shippo cried, bouncing up energetically between the ever-frustrated pair. "Inuyasha, were you trying to get to first base with Kagome?"

_Shit, shit, shit, shit._ "Uhm, Shippo, we were just thinking we needed some more kindling for the fire, " Kagome explained patiently. "I bet I know a big, strong, _smart_ kitsune who can find it all by himself, right?"

"I'll leave, uh, right now," he wisely said as Inuyasha raised his fist in a threatening manner.

Wandering through the forest, Shippo looked for firewood as he thought about the amazing por-table d-v-d player that Kagome had brought back from her time and shown him earlier. He was humming the opening tune to a children's moving picture show about a large purple demon. Shippo shivered, wondering if the unmanly purple demon was one of Naraku's incarnations. However, he had to admit that the music _was_ pretty catchy.

"Kukuku. Hello, little kitsune," called a stranger, stepping out from behind some shrubbery that was conveniently located for lurking purposes. His dark clothing would have camouflaged him perfectly, if his nearly bald pate hadn't shone in the moonlight.

"Oi, do I know you? You're not related to Manten, are you?" said Shippo, edging away from the tall, dark stranger.

"No, I merely came to bring you this," the stranger claimed in a 'bald'-faced lie (A/N: yeah, I know I'm going to hell for that), drawing a small box out of his unfashionable trenchcoat.

"Oooh, pocky!" Shippo reached for the box. "AARRRGGGG!" he screamed as he was swept away with the stranger toward the sky in an airborne Buick station wagon- beige, no less. "Resistance is futile," the stranger sneered. "Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be...oh, wait, wrong fandom," he trailed off. "I, Fukyoumaru, the seventh incarnation of Naraku, have taken you prisoner."

_On the way to Naraku's lair..._

"Stop playing with the power windows," bellowed Fukyoumaru. "Do you realize how much it will cost to fix if you wear the motors out!"

Shippo took his hands off the window controls and stared out of the window for a few moments before announcing loudly, "Hey, Fukoumaru, are we there yet?

"NO, why?"

" '_Cause_, I really gotta go the the bathroom... BAD."

"Well, you're just gonna have to hold it until we get to Naraku's castle, cause I'm _not_ stopping!"

A look of panic crossed Shippo's face and he reached into the glove compartment, pulling out a large folding map of Musashi's domain. He unfolded it across the dashboard, and coincidentally across Fukyoumaru's view out of the windshield.

"Fukyoumaru, look at this!" demanded Shippo. "Try and find a shortcut to Naraku's castle, 'cause this is an _emergency_!"

Fukyoumaru swerved, barely missing some crazy old geezer riding a levitating cow. "Put that away, NOW!"

_Back at the camp with the Inu-tachi..._

**_Twack._** Inuyasha woke with a start, as a loud _something_ hit the tree he was sleeping in. "What the hell?" Jumping down, he noticed that he wasn't the only one who'd been awakened.

"Inuyasha, is Shippo with you? I don't see him anywhere!" called Kagome.

"What was that noise?" asked Sango.

"Ah, I believe that our answer is sticking out of this tree," commented Miroku as he withdrew an arrow from Inuyasha's bed. Wrapped around the arrow was a scroll, which he quickly unwrapped. He blanched as he read the contents. "It says, 'Meet me at the base of Mt. Fuji in exactly one week if you wish to see your beloved kitsune alive again. Bring every Shikon jewel shard that you possess, or the fox dies. Signed, Fukyoumaru.' "

"What kind of a stupid name is that?" scoffed Inuyasha.

Kagome smacked him on the shoulder. "Inuyasha, we have to save Shippo! Get serious!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm way ahead of you. I happen to know a shortcut through this forest to Mt. Fuji; maybe we can get there first and set a trap for the bastard. Come on, we ain't got time to waste."

_In another place in the Sengoku Jidai_...

A very disheveled looking Fukyoumaru arrived at Naraku's castle with his young victim. Carrying Shippo under his arm, he walked into his master's chamber. "Naraku, all is proceeding according to your plan. I believe it best if we assign Hakudoshi to guard our little...bargaining chip."

"Kukuku, well done, Fukyoumaru," Naraku said in an effete manner.

"Hey, Naraku, how's it hangin' ?" chirped Shippo happily. "Oops, I just remembered, Kagome told me not to imitate Inuyasha's talking. Although, I do wonder what_ is_ it that's s'posed to be hanging...I'm hungry; you got any rice balls or natto 'round here? If I'm good, do we get to go swimming in your moat later? 'Cause I can do a _real_ big cannonball, ya know. Better than Miroku. Heyyyy, what's in those funny jars up on the shelf? 'Cause something really smells gross in here. Maybe you should get Kagura to clean the place up or something..."

"SILENCE!" yelled Naraku as he massaged his throbbing temples. "Yes, I think that little traitor Hakudoshi is well suited to watch the kitsune. Take this, this, _whelp_ away, Fukyoumaru."

_A few hours later_...

"Yippee, Hakudoshi! Let's play Genghis Khan and the Monguls again! Okay, this time, pretend we've been ridin' to Persia all night, and all our horses died, so we gotta ride yaks. Wait,_ you_ be the yak, okay? TAKE NO PRISONERS!" Shippo screamed as he bounced up and down on his hapless "yak", waving a bamboo sword in an arc around Kanna's head.

"I say we kill him and tell Naraku he slipped on his sword or something," Hakudoshi muttered.

"All will be revealed...in the master's good time," Kanna responded cryptically, holding her mirror close and gazing steadily at her fellow minion.

"What the _hell_ are you going on about, void-girl? One _hour_ with this brat- that'll wipe that smug expression off your face."

"As you wish," she answered in a soft, emotionless voice.

_Fifteen minutes later_...

"AAAAARGGGG!" screamed Kanna, running down the long castle corridor. "I HATE roaches! Don't you touch me with those things, or else, or else..." In her panic, she couldn't quite imagine what to threaten Shippo with.

"Hey, Kanna, there's a really big one, right on your back. And another one in your hair," Shippo teased. Too hysterical to pay much attention, Kanna ran straight into Kagura, dropping her soul-stealing mirror, which shattered into more pieces than a jewel of four souls.

"Tsk, tsk. What have we here?" Kagura scolded as she eyed the rowdy children. "I've been wondering what all that noise was. Tell me something- _who_ poked holes in all the rice-paper walls with chopsticks?"

Kanna peered at the nearest wall in the corridor. 'Naraku is a doo-doo head' was patterned into the rice paper with little poke-holes. A little further up the hall it said, 'Bite me losers' . "Well, it wasn't me, Kagura," she said softly. "Why don't you ask _Shippo_?" She pointed to the kitsune, who was curled up on the floor, suffering from paroxysms of laughter, thinking his wit unmatched.

"I see," said Kagura, picking the fox-youkai up by the scruff of the neck. "You're coming with me, young youkai."

_Kagura's quarters, two hours later..._

"This is too easy," thought Kagura, as she smugly eyed the well-behaved fox-demon child across the room. Shippo was making an "art project", benignly coloring and snipping brightly colored rectangles out of some paper. He was folding them into miniature fans. With a sigh, she turned back to her scroll- the latest edition of Noh Theater Romance. 'Ranma's muscles rippled as he grabbed his long-lost love, pulling her against his strong pectorals in a crushing embrace. She couldn't resist his manly charms...,' Kagura read silently. "Hmmm...nice." She started daydreaming of a certain silver-haired taiyoukai she wouldn't mind being crushed up against.

"Dance of the Dead," whispered Shippo as he waved one of his mini-fans. A small army of dead roaches started crawling about as if their heads were cut off, which in fact, they were. "Dance of the Dragons," he further intoned softly. The dead roaches were caught up in a miniature tornado, making Shippo giggle. That got Kagura's attention.

"My fan!" she screamed, suddenly realizing exactly what he'd been cutting up for his little "art project" while she'd been busy fantasizing. "You...you...hideous imp! You've destroyed my wind fan!" Quick as lightning, she crossed the room and had the hapless kitsune held up by his tail. "Death is too good for you, vermin," she hissed.

"Uh, Kagura, whadya think Naraku say if you ruined his chance to get the rest of the shards? Besides, in my defense, you wouldn't have so many roaches 'round here if somebody'd clean up all that nasty stuff in Naraku's chambers."

"You.Are.Outta.Here." Kagura said through gritted teeth. Giving Shippo a rough shake for good measure, she stalked off, carrying him down the long corridor that led to Fukyoumaru's room. "Naraku's orders," she lied when she burst into the room. "You're apparently the only one he trusts to keep this little... hellion... from escaping." She threw Shippo across the room to a stunned Fukyoumaru, turned around and stalked off, mumbling under her breath.

"Hey, Fukyoumaru, nice ta see ya!" the little fox chirped. "We're gonna have sooo much fun!"

"So much for the hot date I had planned with Mujina tonight," thought the crestfallen henchman, as he removed his toupee.

_Another couple of hours later..._

"I'm bored," whined Shippo, as he fiddled with the stuff in Fukyoumaru's wooden chest.

"Yeah, well, I'm practicing my nunchuck skills, and you'd better keep your YAP SHUT if you know what's good for you, " was the growled response from the latest victim...uh, I mean, villain to watch our young hostage.

"Aw, you're no fun," grumbled the kitsune as he went back to rummaging through Fukyoumaru's possessions. "Hey what's this?" he thought to himself, as he found a strange bottle of tonic, and peered at the label. It looked modern, sort of like the odd medicines Kagome brought back from her time. Ro-gaine, the katakana seemed to spell. Sniffing it suspiciously, he wondered...grabbing Fukyoumaru's toupee, along with some scrolls lying about, he made a little pile in the hibachi. Then he dumped the mysterious ro-gaine on top, saturating the mess thoroughly.

Fukyoumaru turned, eyes widening in rage as he suddenly glimpsed his treasures in the firepit. "Why, you little...my spell scrolls! My toupee!"

"Kitsune-bi!" Thanks to the flammable hair tonic, a huge fireball erupted in the hibachi, and Fukyoumaru's scrolls were no more.

_And still later..._

Naraku laughed. "Kukukuku, so...you have reduced each one of my incarnations to a quivering mass of mental illness. Well have you earned your misery, brat. For I, Naraku, shall be your custodian now." Then he threw back his head and laughed some more, making sure to conjure up a little wind, which kinda made his hair resemble that of the Herbal Essence gal as she moaned about her "organic experience". Except it was creepy, not sexy.

Shippo's eyes grew wide with terror. "What are ya gonna do to me?"

"I will have some...tasks for you to accomplish. First, you must brush my lovely tresses 1000 strokes. Then, you shall personally clean my chambers, including the jar shelf. Last, since you are so fond of Genghis Khan and the monguls, you must build me a yurt. Out of these demon bones, " he added. "But first, I shall take a nap."

Shippo gave a sigh of resignation as Naraku lay down on his futon. The yurt thing actually sounded kind of cool to him, and the cleaning was gross, but do-able. The bit that really disgusted him was the hair-brushing. No way was he going to touch that perv. "Hmmph," he thought. "Inuyasha would be brave. No way would he give in to this lunatic." And an idea started to form in his little mind.

"Transform!" he cried loudly, startling Naraku out of dreamland. "Huh, huh, huh, huh, boys and girls, today, we're going to sing about feelings!"

Naraku sat up and for the first time in his 50 years, experienced true horror. He could see his death in the eyes of the awful purple demon standing before him.

"I love you, you love me..." the kitsune/barney demon started to sing in English.

Naraku covered his ears to block out the cloying, sickening sentiments. "What are these strange incantations?" he screamed. "AAAAAAARGGGGGG!"

_Six days later, at the base of Mt. Fuji..._

"Oh, Inuyasha, I'm so worried," Kagome said. "Do you think we got here in time?"

"Yeah, I think so, Kagome. But have a little faith. Shippo isn't as helpless as you think. Hey, do you think Naraku would be willing to negotiate this?"

"Inuyasha!" Kagome scolded.

As if in answer to prayer, Fukyoumaru stepped out from behind a boulder. "I heard your voices," he said. "There will be NO negotiation. Take this, this...thing and begone!" Frozen in a block of ice, Shippo was being held up by his tail. "And hurry up, it's melting."

"W,What? Is he alive?" gasped Kagome.

"If he's hurt..." Miroku voice trailed off threateningly.

Fukyoumaru's voice started to take on an air of panic. "The ice is starting to melt! What must I do to get you to hurry? My final offer- take this as well and be off!" He held out a small silk bag. To the shock of the inu-tachi, he threw down both burdens, fox and bag, turned on his heel, and ran.

"What the hell?" said Inuyasha.

_Around the campfire that night..._

Every one of Naraku's Shikon shards had been in that bag, along with a very eloquent note of apology from their arch-nemesis, and a plea that they not follow him to his refuge in hell. Kagome, Inuyasha, Sango and Miroku laughed until tears came to her eyes. "Shippo, tell us again about the transformation!" giggled Sango.

A/N: About the bald-headed villain I invented- his name is pronounced "Foo-key-oh-muh-roo". Honest.

The word _katakana_ means characters used in Japanese to spell out borrowed English words. Unless I screwed up researching it.

_Hibachi _is the only word I could come up with to describe those little tiny barbeque-like things they have in all the rooms to warm them up (presumably because of those rice-paper walls).

Credit where credit is due: O. Henry wrote the original short story The Ransom of Red Chief, which I am parodying here. My kids helped me with this, especially puncuation and the station wagon scene. (They think my car is the funniest damn thing ever.)


End file.
